It is generally considered amongst most WFC fans that they can run WFC far better than the current parasites in charge. After all, great strides have been made by the fans in respect of things like unofficial programmes, merchandise, players dos and all round general administration of WFC affairs.
However, are fans really suitable for running WFC? Following Charles Koppel’s current paranoia, he may be close to jacking it in at WFC. However, any suitors for WFC have to fill in a questionaire before Koppel even makes an appointment to see him. This questionaire is confidential and not meant for fans’ eyes – however, SW19 risked life and limb to obtain this very set of questions and is faithfully reproduced for you now. Take your time over questions, it’s not as though WFC has ever employed somebody who knows diddly squat about where teams play before is it?
Please answer all questions as honestly as possible. You will not be required to maintain honesty towards anyone should you become WFC chairman
Answer A, B or C to all questions asked, except for the difficult ones.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
1: Where do Wimbledon Football Club originate from?
a) Wimbledon, London SW19
b) South London
c) Royal Borough of Merton
2: When was Wimbledon Football Club formed?
a) 1889
b) 1988
c) The very day I took over
3: Which of the following statements comes close to briefly describing Wimbledon FC’s history?
a) Formed as non-league club, won Amateur Cup in 1963, became semi-pro around the same time, entered Football League in 1977, won promotion to 1st division in 1986, won FA Cup in 1988, need I go on?
b) Formed as bunch of park players but still got to the top flight and won the FA Cup in 1988
c) Created by Sam Hammam in 1995 to no fans and no money, had massive debts with crowds of only 400 and made brave bold move of relocating to Milton Keynes in front of regular gates of 90,000.
4) Where do Wimbledon FC currently play designated home games?
a) Selhurst Park, London SE25
b) Somewhere in South London
c) Milton Keynes
5: Please complete the playing division that follows these higher divisions: Premiership, First, Second, Third, __________?
a) Nationwide Conference
b) Vauxhall Conference
c) Southern Conference
6: Wimbledon Football Club are not the only team to groundshare in English football. Which other club(s) are in the same position?
a) Trick question – there are none.
b) Gillingham and Brighton.
c) Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday
Please score your answers as follows – 1 POINT for every “A” answer. 2 POINTS for every “B” answer. 3 POINTS for every “C” answer.
YOUR MANAGEMENT APPROACH
This section will be used to determine your aptitude in different situations that may occur in running Wimbledon FC
1: What is the best way to motivate the whole club into one direction, namely staff, admin and supporters alike?
a) A full inclusiveness policy, with all decisions laid out coherently, thoughtfully, and with direct and proper dialog with all interested parties
b) A slightly less inclusive approach to all matters, not such emphasis on fan input but enough to keep everyone onside
c) To announce that you are going to relocate the club immediately without either consultation or thorough thinking, sack any disagreeing staff or threaten them with breach of contract then have a contingency plan of blaming everyone else should everything go wrong.
2: What is the best way to “market” the club to attract more support?
a) Allow fan initiative to push through the message, encouraging people to turn up for games etc, with solid advertising in the predominant conurbation to lend additional support.
b) A successful on-field product complete with high profile should encourage more fans in anyway
c) Spend the equivalent of 40 players’ average weekly wages in one lump sum for a professional PR company that has badly mismanaged rail disasters and high street shop collapses to convince people that your relocation plans are really workable, convincing nobody in the process and alienating just about everybody.
3: During relocation of any sort, the club will have to negotiate with the Football League and their rulings. How would you approach them to receive what you desire?
a) A fully comprehensive report compiled with full and utter backing of all parties concerned, treating the Football League with respect.
b) A more formal approach to the Football League, concentrating more on hard business decisions but with room to negotiate if necessary.
c) A two page document which details nothing. If unsucessful, threaten to sue the Football League because you do not believe the rules you signed up to apply to you.
4: During a tricky spell on the pitch, where the team is not doing so well and there is disquiet in the support, how do you go about remedying this?
a) Call a major meeting with all concerned parties and attempt to solve the problem amicably
b) Give the manager more money to spend on a decent, “named” player which will quieten the support down
c) Meet the manager, hold a gun to his head telling him that the chairman is lovely and it’s all the fans’ fault, then get him to quote it in print.
5: Overall, how would you approach day-to-day running at Wimbledon Football Club?
a) Use positive motivation and general inclusiveness to get the best out of all concerned
b) Employ performance-related incentives and a more “hiream fiream” approach
c) Send anyone who disagrees with whatever I do down a diamond mine. Oh, and blame the fans again.
Please score your answers as follows – 1 POINT for every “A” answer. 2 POINTS for every “B” answer. 3 POINTS for every “C” answer.
PSYCHOLOGICAL TEST
The following set of tests and questions have been professionally designed to determine your sub-concious approach to running Wimbledon Football Club
1: Which major business leader do you identify with most of all?
a) Richard Branson
b) George Steinbrenner
c) Gerald Ratner
2: Which major political leader do you identify with most of all?
a) Ghandi or Winston Churchill
b) Margaret Thatcher or John F Kennedy
c) Saddam Hussain or Osama Bin Laden
3: Which of the following sets of people are you more likely to take business advice from?
a) A major stadium developer from the United States who is interested in doing business with you on a local level
b) A firm of accountants who may not be passionate so much but will keep Wimbledon FC out of serious financial danger
c) A failed music industry producer who has ruined more careers than most other managers and who can’t get funding for a cup of tea.
4: What major qualification(s) would you consider enough to run a business successfully?
a) An MBA in Business from Harvard, and/or a lot of hard work and common sense
b) A BSc in Business Studies from Nottingham University and an ability to know the law and regulations
c) A qualification in Contract Law which you only obtained because your father is rich and the University needed a new roof for a college.
5: Which sets of people are most likely to form a great team at Wimbledon Football Club?
a) A young, dynamic set of people who can successfully counter-balance passion for the club with solid, imaginative marketing and business ideals
b) A set of trusty, solid individuals who are known throughout the footballing world for their straight ahead approach
c) A fat old 60 something who worships old football and has a major attitude problem, a bald mekon who makes PR statements on the fly and on the back of fag packets but who are employed because they are experts at sticking their tongues down your rectal passage on a regular occasion
Please score your answers as follows – 1 POINT for every “A” answer. 2 POINTS for every “B” answer. 3 POINTS for every “C” answer.
WORD ASSOCIATION
To continue the psychological tests, you will be given words from a list below. Please use these words – with correct syntax – to complete the sentences given
LIST A – happy, content, good, dynamic, Plough Lane
LIST B – cold, staid, indifferent, stagnant, Selhurst Park
LIST C – evil, scum, arrogant, incompetent, Milton Keynes
1: Wimbledon Football Club played at _____ _____ for many _____ years before they had to leave.
2: It can well be argued that a _____ club is a _____ club
3: “If Charles Koppel quit Wimbledon Football Club and got arrested on a paedophillia charge”, sighed Charlotte, wistfully, “the world would be a much more _____ place”. “I know dear” her mother replied, having just arranged the rhodidendrums, “someday we will be back at _____ _____ and we will all be _____ again”.
4: Reg Davis is not very _____ at his job. He is mistaken in thinking that Milton Keynes is _____ for Wimbledon Football Club
5: The _____ of Charles Koppel’s press releases are full of lies and poorly executed spin.
Please score 1 POINT for every word used from the “A” list, 2 POINTS for every word used from the “B” list and 3 POINTS for every word used from the “C” list
PICTORAL ASSOCIATION
The final part of this examination will examine how you respond to physical displays when asked to associate with them.
1: Which of the following denotes a happy face?
2: Which of the following denotes a sad face?
3: Which of the following denotes a set of fans in a packed stand?
4: Which of the following denotes the shape of a soccer ball?
5: Which of the following denotes how people in general see you?
Please score your answers as follows – 1 POINT for every “A” answer. 2 POINTS for every “B” answer. 3 POINTS for every “C” answer.
FINAL TALLY
Please add up the scores according to the scoring system in each section. Then add all sections together and you will receive your final score. Check below to determine your suitability to run Wimbledon Football Club
0-27 – this score suggests you have an abundance of common sense, decency and talent in running an efficient organisation. There is no way whatsoever that you could ever run Wimbledon Football Club to the standards expected.
28-54 – you appear to have a reasonable grasp of footballing matters, though you tend to be slightly behind the times. You may not necessarily be suitable to run Wimbledon Football Club and may instead like to try and run Crystal Palace FC instead.
55+ – you are totally incompetent, stupid and arrogant to the point of mental retardedness. You have the business capabilities of a man selling Hawaiian shirts in the centre of Siberia, and the attitude towards your supporters of a tinpot South American dictator. You are therefore perfectly suited to become the Chairman of Wimbledon Football Club. Now, allow Reg Davis to make a cup of tea for you.
ALL FEES FOR THIS TEST MUST BE MADE PAYABLE TO “WIMBLEDON FC TAX EVASION FUND”, TO BE DRAWN ON A BRITISH VIRGIN ISLANDS CHEQUE